Hyperbarics saved my house robber

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portable hyperbaric chamberI have a great big fish tank at home. It’s quite an impressive display. It’s actually super deep with a glass top you can see down into. It’s about 50 feet deep and contains my collection of rare and expensive tropical fish. There’s my candy basslet Pinkman. A bit of an exhibitionist, she likes to swim laps around the centre of the tank. Then there’s my masked angelfish, Mr Swimmy, he likes to hide behind some rocks at the bottom. I think he’s scared of my Platinum Arowana, King, who really is the boss of the tank. Anyway, my beautiful expensive collection of pet fish were recently almost stolen by a house robber. But that’s not the worst thing that happened. If it wasn’t for my portable hyperbaric chambers, I’d be facing serious charges right now.

What happened was, he came in while I was asleep, probably thinking that the house was empty. But when I got out of bed, I caught him with his hands in the fishtank reaching for my $400,000 Platinum Arowana. I told him to freeze, and rushed towards him to save my precious fish, but in the process I knocked him into the tank. Mr Swimmy and Pinky were swirling frantically around while their home was being invaded by a huge balaclaved head. King stood by, which a barely perceptible smirk on his face.

I have never in my time seen a man sink like he did. I had to grab my snorkel gear just to fetch him out of there. I knew I might get sued for this, even though I was defending my own property. I had to think fast, Melbourne hyperbaric oxygen therapies have been known to save lives, so I put him in mine. When the man came to, he couldn’t remember a thing, and praised me for saving his life. I promptly called the police. Nobody touches my fish.

Pet cemetery pt 2

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blocked drains MelbourneSo where was I? That’s right, my poor recently deceased cat was stuck half way down the drain and the pipe exploded. Water was gushing everywhere. I had no choice but to bolt the door behind me by wedging a kitchen chair between it and the floor. I could see the door rattling as the water pressure increased and I knew it wouldn’t hold. I had no choice but to run out on the street where I’d be safe from the eruption of plaster, timber and tiles. Then I promptly called the plumbers. Melbourne plumbers can be there in the nick of time, but alas, I feared they wouldn’t be speedy enough to save the day….

The plumbers arrived. I was hesitant to reveal what the problem was, but I had to confess because I knew they’d find out in the end. I was embarrassed about having had such a dumb idea. But the plumber informed me that many people have made this mistake. He said that Melbourne’s pipe and drain system is practically a pet cemetery — and not just for goldfish. People have flushed guinea pigs, chickens and even chihuahuas down there. This made me feel slightly less stupid, even though I was responsible for blocked drains in Melbourne. The plumbers were brave. They went in their fearlessly bracing against the spurting toilet water through the house. Meanwhile, I cowered around the corner for a drink at my local while they did their thing. I don’t know how they did it, but they removed the blockage and patched up that drain in no time at all.

The whole affair taught me a valuable lesson. Not just that cats block drains when you try to flush them down the toilet. But also that a cat’s spirit belongs somewhere other than the sea… but maybe not the earth either. Perhaps on a fence or high perch, or within a box. Cats seem to like boxes.

Plumbers and pet cemeteries

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Most people have flushed a goldfish or two down the toilet. It’s no big deal. While most pets get buried in backyards under the apple tree, the humble goldfish is relegated to the watery realm from whence it came, and subjected to the filter-roller of Melbourne’s drainage system. It wouldn’t seem right to put a fish under ground. I mean, its spirit would be a disease, only able to reach its final state of peace and rest once its physical form has returned to the sea. Fortunately, every plumber in Melbourne knows this. That’s why it’s de rigueur to flush fish and not other animals. But I’m the kind of person who likes to challenge social norms and rituals…

When poor Kitty died, 5 year old me wondered what would happen if I flusher her down the toilet. This was before I’d considered the nature of life-after-death for pets and the restlessness of the animal spirit, as described above. We didn’t have room in the backyard at the time, it was mostly paved, and the small plot of earth was taken up by a wilting strawberry plant that I was trying to resuscitate. So I thought I could save space and that Ghost Kitty would have plenty of fish to eat when she crosses the threshold. I was so young and foolish, little did I expect the whole fiasco to end in calling an emergency plumber near Melbourne.  

I flushed the toilet one time. Kitty’s head went down but her tail floated to the top of the bowl. I flushed again and nothing else would budge further down those pipes. I flushed a third time and heard a tremendous gurgle come from the pipes. Kitty was down, but not all the way. The pipe bust and water started spraying out of the wall and the floor. I ran and flung the door shut behind me, bracing myself for deluge that was about to unfurl…What a day.

Boating in Victoria

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custom snapper racksI’ve always wanted to go to Victoria but now that we’ve booked our flight down, I’m not sure what we’re going to do. We’ve got two weeks down there and I’m trying to think of ways we can spend out time. I’m thinking that the climate and nature is really different down there so we may as well make the most of it. I’m going to hook up with a friend down there who has a boat. He said that I can borrow it if I pay for some marine fabrications. He wants some snapper racks and rod holders, which is no problem, I’m happy to get them installed.

If I get the marine fabrications for the boat then we can take it out fishing. It’ll be fully pimped out and ready to take out for a river cruise. I love going out on boats, particularly on rivers as opposed to on the ocean. I don’t know why but I like the setting better when I’m on a river. The ocean is so vast, wild and erratic. Rivers can get restless during rainy weather, but for the most part they’re rather tranquil. Plus I prefer the fresh water fish for eating. The rod holder will certainly come in handy for that, especially if we encounter any larger fish.

We’re going to have to go down to Melbourne. I’m not huge on cities but I guess it’s a must-see. I’d definitely like to visit some of the alley ways and dine in some of the Italian or Chinese restaurants. We don’t get much culinary variation in this small town where I’m from. I’d like to also try Thai food which I’ve never had before and maybe Malaysian. I guess we’ll go to all the tourist traps like Federation Square, the Rialto Towers and the famous streets like Chapel Street and Brunswick Street.

Cleaning before my parents arrive

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mattress cleaningMy parents have always accused me of being lazy and dirty and ever since I’ve lived alone, I’ve been liberated from their judgement. It was always, “Melissa clean your room!” and “Melissa, tidy up your mess!” Ever since I moved out, I’ve felt so free. I can leave my clothes on the floor and dishes in the sink, with no one to tell me what to and what not to do. Sadly, the time has come where I might have to consider getting upholstery cleaning. Melbourne gets so dusty in the Summer because everything is so dry.

People don’t realise how much time you save by not cleaning. You spend hours of your life putting clothes on racks and drying dishes to stack them into neat columns. Probably you spend days doing these things. Cut all of this out and you can spend more time doing what you love, like bike riding, painting or playing poker. Unfortunately, now that my parents are coming to town to visit me, I’m going to have to sacrifice some of this splendid personal time. They’re going to visit me at my apartment, to judge and scold me on my lifestyle no doubt, so I’m going to throw their expectations by getting a last minute clean. I’ll take the rubbish out, put the dishes away, and fold my clothes up nicely. I’m going to do everything from carpet cleaning to mattress cleaning, Melbourne is my playground. Nothing slips past my parent’s fastidious eye. I know that they’ll be peaking beneath the rug to find any crumbs which might have been brushed under there, and behind the curtains for any stray balls of dust. They’re going to get the shock of their lives when they see what I’ve done to the apartment. Little will they realise that I’ve been the same all along, and that the cleanliness is just a charade.

Painting our timber decking

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house painters MelbourneWe’ve been renovating our home for the past year and getting really excited because we’re starting to see the beautiful results and also because it’s almost finally over. The last remaining things to do are mostly aesthetic as opposed to structural. We need to call in the painters. Melbourne city painters know a surprising amount about renovating and can even do minor repairs. I guess painting also helps to protect the walls, plaster and timber.

We actually needed the timber decking out the back painted more than anything. The decking was structurally sound but without a new paint job it would be vulnerable to the elements, to rot and chipping. The painters came in and knew exactly what to look for and how to refurbish them. The looked at the type of wood and told us that acrylic paint was the best option. Because what happens is that rain and water run off from the roof gutter as well as rotting leaves on the deck can actually damage the wood, or at least stain it. But apparently the paint job itself protects from this type of damage and actually effectively repairs any damage already done to the wood. I think they use certain chemical treatments on the wood to reverse the damage. After it was done, we were stoked with the results.

I never thought a house painter in Melbourne could do so much structural repairs for the house. We got the interior painted a lovely off-white colour, which has had a real brightening and opening effect on our cosy little house. The exterior is also white with a grey roof, which ?I think is perfect for a weatherboard. It looks really classic, which is perfect for a house that was built in the sixties.

Working with tamper evident bags

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tamper evident bagsLet me tell you a little about what I do. I work at an exam centre. We do several types of exams but mostly stuff that tests people’s English so that they can get into university here, and also testing their levels in specialist areas they’ve studied in their home country to see if it matches our standards in Australia. It’s a pretty good job. I’m a very fastidious person so I’m great at following guidelines to a T and generally being neat and organised which is what this job is all about. I instruct people how to fill out their exam papers, and supervise them while they do exams so they don’t cheat.

Anyway, my boss usually doesn’t ride me too hard but the other day there was a slight mix up with the tamper evident bags. When I use the passive form, that’s because I still maintain that it wasn’t my fault but she’s trying to pin it all on me. I mailed them out you see, because the examples are sent off and put into a machine that finalises the results. Well, either I was extraordinarily tired that day or someone sabotaged me because I ended up posting the wrong results to the wrong place. They got lost in the process and about a hundred people had to resit their exams. IT was a disaster that nearly cost me my job. My boss was like, ‘can you imagine if that was food packaging we were dealing with! You could have poisoned hundreds of people’ But I was like, obviously it’s not food packaging that’s a totally different thing and besides, I totally didn’t do it. I’ve barely made a single mistake since I’ve been working here. I think the janitor is trying to sabotage me because he wants my job but he’ll never get it cos he’s not qualified.

Saved by drain unblocking services

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blocked drains MelbourneEvery time I’ve had to call for services to my house, I’ve been disappointed. That is, every time except one. That was the unlikely incident of having blocked drains in my Melbourne apartment. Let me start at the beginning.

When I first got my own place, I didn’t get a pre purchase building inspection and so landed myself with tonnes of problems that I then had to fork out for to fix. So the problem I had at first was the darn central ducted heating, which almost blew my whole house up. But when I called the repairman, of course, they were late. They’re always late. They tell you that they’ll be there between 9 am and 5 pm so you have to wait around all day, and then they don’t even come and you leave the house and they show up at like 6 pm and you’ve missed them. So there was that. Ever since, I’ve had a chip on my shoulder towards repairs guys. Everything from my fridge to my vibrating waterbed has needed repairs, and each and every time the companies have been late.

That was until the draining company came along. When I discovered my drains were blocked, I thought, this is it. I’m going to have to face those darn tardy repairmen again. I cursed the ground I stood on, I even cried. But it was no use. In the end I whipped out my phone and called for drain repair, Melbourne.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I was horrendously wrong. They asked me to be at home between 12pm and 12.30 pm, and you wouldn’t believe it but they turned up at 12 on the dot. I was gobsmacked. I stood there thinking, ‘Is this real?’ After that, they actually did the job with no trouble and all, and they didn’t smack me with an unexpectedly high bill with all these hidden charges in the end. It was, astoundingly, I darn good service.

Knights and ladies and sigils, oh my!

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flag printing MelbourneOkay so this may seem a little out there but just, you know, bare with me for a moment here. I’ve been trying to get more involved in uni life, you know, branch out and do more things, meet more people, ecetera ecetera, and, well, something a little odd has happened. I’ve kind of found myself, more or less, leading the renaissance reenactment team. Laugh if you will, but the renaissance was an absolutely fascinating time in world history, and I have long been interested in the fashion, lifestyle, cultures that existed during that time. Anyway, it’s kind of a long story, and one that kind of started off as a joke (I’m still not altogether sure it isn’t a joke) but now it’s suddenly gotten quite serious. And now I have to create a renaissance fair.

I’m not going to beat around the bush here, I am entirely out of my depth. I mean, I may have been to one or two in my time, but that in no means makes me an expert. I think the first thing’s first, I need to start making some banners. Melbourne has a couple of really awesome banner making places where mum makes flyers and that kind of stuff, but would they be able to make, you know, house banners. With sigils and stuff. I’m sure they’re talented and stuff but that would be a little out of the reach of most people. I’m not even sure they’d be able to do it on fabric. Maybe I should try and find a place that does flag printing in Melbourne instead.

And that’s not really even the start of my problems. I mean, yeah, it needs to look like a fair during the renaissance, but there also needs to be food, contests, some kind of way of recording who shows up and getting them all to pay … there’s just so much to do I can’t deal right now.

Holidaying with All the Kids!

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hotels in LorneGoing on your holidays can be really tough with a big family. It’s great to have all the kids along, but finding a place to fit all of them can be a hassle! Oh, and they’re all dogs. All thirteen of them. Yeah, I may have brought this upon myself, but I have the funds and the land for it, and they were all rescue dogs. Now they have a home with lots of brothers and sisters, forever, yay! But yep, sure is a hassle getting them places! I’ve had to get a bus license, and a bus, and then make it dog-friendly inside.

As for holidays, I’m working on a cunning plan. Now, the accommodations down in the Great Ocean Road aren’t exactly equipped for that many animals. I should know, because I’ve spent enough time looking, but they DO have some chalets down by the sea. If I took all the fur babies down to the coast, and housed them in one of the largest chalets, it probably wouldn’t be enough space. But If I hired out TWO chalets, right next to each other, and then split my time between them…well, that makes things interesting, now doesn’t it? It might be labour intensive on my part, but this holiday isn’t for me. It’s for my sweet babies and their enjoyment. Though Gloria doesn’t really like new places, I’m hoping now that she’s befriended Rufus she can come out of her shell a bit more. That is, if Gustav stops bullying both of them whenever they’re together, which I personally think is because Gustav fancies her. That’s crazy by itself, of course…Ramble is so into him it’s practically transparent.

So they’re a handful, but it’s not like I can show up at some luxury accommodation in Lorne and expect a warm welcome. But I think Gustav, Gloria, Ramble, Rufus, Shelley, Uther, Klein, Humperdink, Oscar, Virgo, Xander, Terry and Sherry really deserve better. We ALL need a break!

-Cassabelline