Buyers advocate for a haunted house

buyers agents around MelbourneAs a purveyor of all glorious dark things, I think it’s about time I got myself just the right house in which to put them. I’ve got a whole collection of macabre artwork that deserves a grand gothic interior to hang against, and I’ve got a series of gory sculptures that would look great in a dungeon-like setting. If I lived in Scotland I could rent a castle, but Melbourne is sadly lacking in castles. 

Now anyone who’s serious about property knows that the only way you can get something this specific when you’ve got niche tastes and eclectic interests, is by hiring buyers advocates in Melbourne. Buyers advocates have special insider knowledge. I don’t know how they get it really, but when a house goes for sale rather secretly, or only to the knowledge of a select few elites, the buyers agent is in the know.

A friend of mine recommended a few property advocates around Melbourne. He’d had a good experience when he was looking for an ex-gangster house. He wanted something that an infamous gangster had lived in because he was well aware of all the brilliant add-ons it would have – racking fold out benches, hidden safes and vaults. The buyers agent he went with helped him find the perfect house which once belonged to a member of the Carlton Crew. This gives me hope that my somewhat unusual requests may be met.  

In my case, I’m going to need someone who knows more about the history of Melbourne. For instance, few old homes were built during the gothic revival period, and even fewer after this era bear the signature of this architectural style. Then there are places that have a haunted history, and the buyers advocate is going to have to be well informed on this history. There are houses built on erstwhile private cemeteries, where many of the bodies still remain forgotten undergrounds. Either that or a pink cottage by the sea. 

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Looking glam for the cameras

diploma of beauty I might be kinda lonely now, but I feel like that’s just life giving me a little break. After all, when I’m super famous I’ll have an entourage following me around everywhere, cameras flashing, people in the streets bringing me books to sign…I won’t get a moment of peace!

I’ve been laying some serious groundwork recently, in fact. I think I might have found a cameraman, and it’s the guy on the Channel 13 news. Just the way he manages to hold the thing steady while filming those news reporters…I want him on my team. Oh, and of course, I’m going to need some makeup girls. Or guys, really, I’m not discriminating. If they’re got an official diploma of makeup from a real university, they can follow me around and put powder on my forehead whenever I’m about to go on camera.

Naturally, their job will be one of the most involved. I’ll need my personal beautician with me 24/7, because who knows when I’m about to get mobbed by a pack of fans? I don’t want to be one of those people who gets their picture taken in some kind of awful tabloid papers, looking all sallow and degenerate. That’ll hurt my image as a great television celebrity and dispenser of wise advice, because who’s going to trust someone who looks like they can’t look after themselves?

Oh, it’s all very unfair, I realise that. But that’s showbiz…it’s a cruel world, and one wrong move can have you out on your ear. I have to look good at all times, and while it’s not the most appealing idea, being doted upon by a professional makeup artists…it’s one I accept, along with the hassles of the job. I’m serious about that diploma, though. It’s got to be a real diploma in beauty therapy, otherwise my career could be over for good. Poof, all gone. Makeup professionals only!

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