The Black Rock

So, I’ve got a random question for you, dear reader. Totally random. Definitely has nothing to do with what happened to me yesterday. Anyway, so what would you think if you knew someone who looked like a scorched black walking skeleton with the power to control the earth itself? Because I definitely think I’d want to be that guy’s friend. Sure, he might look like a complete monstrosity that would commit acts so terrible that they can’t be mentioned here, but I’m sure he would be a good guy.

Like, I know this is all hypothetical, but imagine this guy, this man, this poor man, who was just going about his business. Imagine he walks into his bathroom one morning and just feels the urge to call a bathroom design business within Melbourne because he feels that a renovation is in order. But as he turns to leave the room, he notices that one of the tiles is out of place. He moves it aside and sees a dark stone pulsing with energy. Curious, he shrugs his shoulders and touches the rock. Suddenly the earth beneath him gives way and a sinkhole opens up beneath his house.

You’d feel sorry for that guy, right? You’d want to be his friend still? I definitely would. Sounds like he’s had a rough day or two and could use some support. All he wanted was some bathroom renovations. He didn’t ask to be turned into a strange creature. He didn’t ask to get weird powers he can’t control. He didn’t ask to look like a Bionic Cool or something. 

Alright, I’ll level with you guys. It’s me. I’ve been turned into this horror. I’m feeling really vulnerable right now, so if you have it in you to leave some positive comments, I’d really appreciate it. For now, I think I’m going to just make myself a cup of tea and hope nothing else breaks around me. That said, I’m not sure I even can drink tea anymore.

– Earth Man Tyrone

Zebraman’s Laundry Panic

I can do this. I can totally do this, right? There’s no need to panic. Sure, I’m trapped in a room with twenty-four hours to create the perfect laundry design. Sure, I cheated on the last challenge and have no idea what I’m doing. But I can get out of this. I have to. I’m Jack Zebraman. You’ve probably heard of me because I am very famous. Famous people don’t get put in situations like this. I’ve got to be like the protagonist of Black and White and find a way out of this.

Oh man, why couldn’t they have just asked me to do a kitchen installation instead? I could have done that. Okay, just breathe, Jack. You’ve got this. Don’t panic. You’re a movie star. You can do literally anything you set your mind to. No, you don’t know the first thing about making a laundry, and it’s true that it was probably a mistake to go on Next Top Office, but you can do this. I know you can because you’re Jack Zebraman.

I think I’m feeling a bit better now. I suppose it’s time to sit down at my desk and get to work. At least I don’t have to physically build the laundry. I just have to design it. I would have preferred to create the a kitchen design concept, Melbourne style, but that’s all right. It’s probably not even that different. Yeah, just put the sink in a different position, add a few driers and washing machines where the dishwasher, refrigerator and oven would be and you’re done. See, how easy was that?

Now that you’ve got the idea in your head, it’s time to draw it out. Never mind the fact that your high school art teacher called your drawings a crime against blind people. It’s been years since then. You’ve improved. Just put the phone down and stop typing up a blog post to put on the internet later. There’s work to be done.

Ice Skate for Your Kitchen Design!

designer kitchenThese reality TV prizes are getting a bit silly, it must be said. Don’t get me wrong: I love me a good TV competition. I tuned in almost religiously to The Great Australia Trade-Off, and even The Fermentist, which is surprising for me because I’m not a huge fan of conflict. Now it’s in the off-season, where they give all the lesser shows a chance. I’m happy to sit down for fun evening of a famous Yugoslavian ice skater teaching a bunch of complete novices to compete in a huge ice skating competition, but why is it that they win a full kitchen renovation at the end? You’d think it would be a trip to Yugoslavia, or maybe tickets to go and see a show on ice, but no…they win kitchen renovations. Melbourne has seen a massive boom over the last few years in designer kitchens so I somewhat understand this decision. Why can’t I win kitchen renovations? We need it more than a bunch of millenials who probably don’t even own a home anyway.

I’m just saying, if it was a renovation show, this reward would make perfect sense. But it’s like they just got a random sponsorship from some renovation professionals and decided to run with it. Now they have to make every single confession-cam segment all about the contestants weeping salty tears and talking about how they’re just imagining the wondrous kitchen they’re going to have when they ice skate better than all the other ice skaters. And you just think…what’s actually going on here??

Well, I suppose not every single reality TV show can have the budget of GATO, and thus they just have to pick the prizes that come to them rather than shopping around. And the prizes at the moment are kitchen and bathroom renovations. Melbourne must be experiencing some kind of…renovation renaissance. Hey, that’s not a bad name for a show.