This Company Retreat Must Fall

conference centre VictoriaThe corporate retreat is a time for employees to, and I quote, ‘let their hair down and generally relax!’. The exclamation mark is not mine, obviously, because I do not engage in such inane punctuation except when actually necessary. This is a period in which employees may take a long weekend to recharge, get to know each other better and generally learn about business practices.

As much as the last portion of that appeals to me, I must put a stop to this scheme at all costs. The office has slipped out of my iron grasp for such an event to deal the deathblow this soon. I can tolerate function room hire for a night of pointless frivolity, but booking an entire conference centre, and one focused on relaxation? This I cannot tolerate. I WILL not tolerate it. However, the population at large seems enthused about this upcoming event, so cancelling it outright has stopped being an option.

I wonder, would it be possible to subtly sabotage the event? The business seminars I have seen, and I approve of the content. Perhaps they can be stretched to cover more of the day, perhaps even jutting into post-lunch time. I’m sure I could justify the insertion of more lectures, reducing the amount of leisure time and filling it with sweet, delicious productivity. Or rather, informative lectures that will lead to greater productivity in the future, so in the end I’ll win no matter what the circumstances.

Yes, that will be the first step. The relaxation features of the centre can be whittled down, forcing people to remain in work mode. Perhaps I can bring along urgent paperwork and coerce certain key employees into completing it. Mack will be a problem- nothing new there- as well as that social coordinating lout. They think they can take control of my office. Well, we’re going to have a marvellous and productive time at this convention centre. Just you wait.